Wednesday, January 18, 2012

The Wednesday Word - Only He Knows

This is a story I seldom tell.  Not because it is painful or otherwise difficult, but because I just don't even think of it.  Yet, for some reason, it's been coming up a lot lately. 

I believe everyone and every event has a purpose.  Doctors have been given amazing gifts and skills that can show us miracles and put us on our knees.  But I do think that sometimes , when a Doctor has been around a while and seen the same things day-in and day-out conclusions may be jumped, people and symptoms maybe lumped into a category, and things can get a little...blazay.  Does that make any sense?  If you belong to Kaiser it probably does.  Wow, way to make a blanket statement, Kelly!  Okay, there are many Doctors who do not fit into that category at Kaiser.  I just haven't had the pleasure of meeting that Doctor yet.

When my son was learning to crawl my husband and I decided that he needed a sibling. We wanted them to be close in age so we started charting and trying. A few short months later I got that beautiful little + sign on that special little stick.  I immediately bought like 10 more sticks just to verify.  So over the moon!  I treasure that feeling of knowing a fresh, new being was growing in you.  Everything in the weeks before that test felt different, much different form my 1st pregnancy.  I knew I was pregnant about 1 week before the test told me.  And with the help of my charting, I called to set up the 1st appointment for when my little bean would be about 8 weeks old.

My bestie Kate came over to watch Little Man so I could have this appointment be special, just me and the new baby.  (The Hubbs was working a lot -something that is the norm now- and didn't get to go to the appointments for this baby).  I couldn't wait to see her heart and her little blobby shape.  I was already convinced it was a girl.  It just felt right.  My daughter, I was going to see my daughter!  I was also hoping to see pigtails in there:)  Ha ha.  This visit was nothing that I planned.

After some joyous 'Hello's' with the doctor and all the staff, it was time for the ultra-uncomfortable 1st ultrasound.  It is not the belly kind you get later on, its internal.  Moving on... the NP was really quiet as we were looking at the screen.  She kept moving the wand around and all I could see was a tiny circle inside of a big oval.  I was searching for her, but hadn't seen her yet.  She excused herself and said she'd be right back.  She came back with the doctor and had her try, this time also incorporating a belly wand. I thought, "hey, maybe the NP is not used to this machine and is learning or something".  Then came some of the most painful words I've ever heard.  It was all a blur but the summation was:  you've had a miscarriage.  More precisely, the baby never even really formed.  I would need to have a D&C to get the sac and placenta out (what we had seen on the monitor) so that I don't get an infection.  I should have "passed" it all by now. 

How could this be?  I felt force or soul or whatever you want to call it.  I felt her.  How could she not exist?  Stunned and devastated I told her I'd like to "pass" her naturally.  She said after 2 weeks I'd have to have it done or I could get a devastating infection.  She made it sound like I would die.  No pressure!  I left to go get blood work done, took my complimentary picture of my baby sack, and went home.  I don't remember driving.  I don't remember getting home.  I do remember being a blubbery mess to Kate after she asked me how it went.  I'm sure she had never been more uncomfortable.  I called my husband and he was devastated.  When he got home he held me and said we'll try again.  I didn't want to.  I felt like I had lost my son, someone I knew and loves, and had held.  And I still felt her.  I kept praying "God, how can this be?" over and over.

And who did I consult next? Google of course.  I googled "missed miscarriages" and all sorts of things came up, from what happens in a D&C (inspiration for this, my most popular post), to what it means, to this website for missed-diagnosis.  There I saw post, after post, after post where someone had been told they had a miscarriage and were instructed to do a D&C.  These women also paid for the remains to be examined to see the cause of non-development.  In the cases posted there, nothing was wrong and the baby had been alive and growing.  You read that right.  Alive.  Healthy.  Growing.  I felt that little twinge in my heart that you get that says - this is you.  I called Kaiser and set up another appointment for an ultrasound in 1 week.

Do you know what they saw at that appointment?  My daughter.  My teeny-tiny very alive heart beating daughter.  They didn't have an explanation.  They didn't have a reason.  They also had no shock or emotion about it.  Just, huh... that's interesting.  Interesting?  Try a miracle!  Try, that baby was there and you wanted me (with a lot of pressure) to get rid of her.

We, as normal people or extensively trained medical professionals, do not know everything.  We have a tiny glimpse into things and we are so quick to think we have all the answers.  God knows.  He knew her from the moment she was conceived.  He revealed to me that she was a girl early on and He helped me to feel that she was very much alive.  Something that should have been a part of my testimony I found joy in then sort-of "moved-on".  I didn't talk about it much and just found joy in her life.  I went into labor on my original, charted due-date and teeny 5lb 15oz Little Miss was born.  She's still very petite, but super smart and always been healthy.  Here she is, Mommy's little miscarriage:

God is in and about everything. Lean on Him, not man (no matter how well versed or knowledgeable).  He will answer you, in His own way and time. 

When we become believers we have the Holy Spirit descend upon us and live in us, making us one with Christ and securing our salvation.  Having the Spirit also helps us to know things that are of God, feel the things God has done, and have discernment between the world's thoughts and His.  Here is some insight into how we just know things differently sometimes:

1 Corinthians 2:6-16 (NIV... I know, I know) copied from
"We do, however, speak a message of wisdom among the mature, but not the wisdom of this age or of the rulers of this age, who are coming to nothing. 7 No, we declare God’s wisdom, a mystery that has been hidden and that God destined for our glory before time began. 8 None of the rulers of this age understood it, for if they had, they would not have crucified the Lord of glory. 9 However, as it is written:
“What no eye has seen,
what no ear has heard,
and what no human mind has conceived”[a]
the things God has prepared for those who love him—

10 these are the things God has revealed to us by his Spirit.
The Spirit searches all things, even the deep things of God. 11 For who knows a person’s thoughts except their own spirit within them? In the same way no one knows the thoughts of God except the Spirit of God. 12 What we have received is not the spirit of the world, but the Spirit who is from God, so that we may understand what God has freely given us. 13 This is what we speak, not in words taught us by human wisdom but in words taught by the Spirit, explaining spiritual realities with Spirit-taught words.[b] 14 The person without the Spirit does not accept the things that come from the Spirit of God but considers them foolishness, and cannot understand them because they are discerned only through the Spirit. 15 The person with the Spirit makes judgments about all things, but such a person is not subject to merely human judgments, 16 for,
“Who has known the mind of the Lord
so as to instruct him?”[c]

But we have the mind of Christ.

I know that The "secret wisdom" speaks of Salvation, but this passage is also talking about how He guides us on paths where we can't see the destination, but He can.  Breathe easy, have faith, He know ALL things, someday we will, too.  Close your eyes, look deep into your soul and know He rests there.  And follow what He says.

Love you all!

Oh!  I'm flying to visit my parents for a long weekend, leaving toimorrow.  Please pray for our safety and minimal hang-ups when it comes to having 2 toddlers along :)

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