Wednesday, September 8, 2010

The Wednesday Word

Have you ever felt like you were so worthless that not even God wants to hear you?  I have.  I have had those moments where I am so stresses out living on two hours sleep, tripping over toys and laundry, trying to breastfeed a screaming baby while cleaning an explosive toddler diaper, and tried to hold back tears.  I have felt so alone, invisible, and unimportant.  To make matters worse, you run into an old friend who "has it all".  Well behaved kids, a large house with a yard to let those well behaved kids run around in, no financial stresses, and friends/family abound to help when they need it.  Then come the angry prayers of "why, God, do you forget me?  Why do I have to go the hard way?". 

I was feeling this way when I read Psalm 4.

(Passage courtesy of
 1 Hear me when I call, O God of my righteousness!
         You have relieved me in 
my distress;
         Have mercy on me, and hear my prayer.
2 How long, O you sons of men,
Will you turn my glory to shame?
How long will you love worthlessness
And seek falsehood?  Selah 
3 But know that the LORD has set apart[a] for Himself him who is godly;
         The LORD will hear when I call to Him.
4 Be angry, and do not sin.
         Meditate within your heart on your bed, and be still.  Selah 
5 Offer the sacrifices of righteousness,
         And put your trust in the LORD.
6 There are many who say,
         “Who will show us 
any good?”
         LORD, lift up the light of Your countenance upon us.
7 You have put gladness in my heart,
         More than in the season that their grain and wine increased.
8 I will both lie down in peace, and sleep;
         For You alone, O LORD, make me dwell in safety.

I realized that I'm not alone.  Even David felt like he got the short end of the stick at times, but he always had faith that God heard him.  In truth, I know He hears me I just usually don't like the answers he gives me.  I feel like I deserve some financial relief, better health, and a yard.  But God says, "no, no, and no" for right now.  I don't know why.  I don;t know why this is my journey while others seem to have to "so easy" but there has to be a reason. 

I need to be silent and reflect in my heart to who I'm meant to be and stop focusing on what I don't have.  What have I been given?  Healthy children, my husband has a job, a roof over our heads, and family who loves me.  Yet even while I listed those things, I couldn't help but think about the negatives.

Healthy children, my husband has a job (a job that keeps reducing pay, not paying overtime, time demanding, and putting us in a really rough spot), a roof over our heads (with a too-small house we don't fit in that is upside down thanks to the real estate bubble bursting, we'll never be able to get out of it, and carrying two kids up and down three flights of concrete stairs is difficult to say the least), and a family who loves me (but lives too far away and is unable to help me when I really need it.  They are just too far.).

I need to really clear that garbage from my head.  No wonder God doesn't bless me with things I desire, maybe He feels I won't appreciate them.  I don't know... I just need to focus on Him I think.

What about you?  Have you ever felt this way?

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